Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Bizarre
"Why would you want to do that to yourself? You hate religion, and yet you want to be a youth pastor!?! I don't understand that at all." We sit eating our subs. We have been talking about religion for the past hour, and all the negative things that come from it. Completely unrelated she asks me the question, "so what do you want to do after college?" Become a youth pastor. A blank stare. That's what I love. I am no longer the Christian she has grown to hate. There is something about me that is somehow different. That confusion and the curiosity is all that I could ever ask for. All I need is interest and I can manifest that into meaningful conversations. "If I have to jump through a few bullshit religious hoops to get to that one kid who gets it, then it's all worth it. I want the religion that I saw in the church to be destroyed. I want the next generation not to experience the same atrocities I did. Because I don't have a good enough reason for them to not give up on organized religion. That one kid seeing things differently is worth all the pain that I have to go through to get to it." "I don't get you at all." "That's fine."
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Hey Bendan,
ReplyDeletethanks for keeping me in the loop. i haven't done much with my blog lately either, although all the issues continue regularly to pulse through my conversations with church people, non-church people, myself and with God.
when I read your thoughts, i am grateful [sorry if that pains you...] that i am not alone. although, as i have taken time to talk to some people I am under the impression that there are many more "closet" questioners unimpressed and disturbed with christiandom as we knwow it. i haven't wanted to have a "group" to start discussions with quite yet as i was a higher profile leader in the church as a worship leader, youth pastor and so on and felt it would be too much of a schism or look like i was undermining. some time has passed since leaving my official positions and now i feel more freedom. more openess to questioning and re-imagining seems doable with newer, younger people in my area, and some others that are just tired of a really unattractive, obnoxious and hollow christianity.
i can relate to the aloneness, the temptation to become completely cynical and say "screw all of it" I like your thoughts and being able to get to just one kid, and to being able to criticize that which you are still a part of. that is very refreshing to people i have found. i am right with you on that.
i have used for myself, the metaphor of a dysfunctional family when it comes to talking about the church. they are my family although i am ashamed at what my family has done many times, although i have an "uncle" who is a complete right-wing war mongering idiot, he is my uncle.... you follow? i like when shane claiborne mentions at the end of his first book about his attitude toward the church and the difficulties... i think he quoted augustine [who we know had issues with church and his own as well] "she is a whore....but she is my mother" i kind of resonate with that. and all along the way, i have to be honest about the parts of me through the years that covertly or subtley are infected with hypocracy, excusing or being bigoted... this helps me not completely get stuck on the dangerous "us vs. them" ground which easily lends to the exclusiveness I [and i believe jesus] is so repulsed by. at times i have been, or am a "them"
keep on the journey friend. you are not alone. it sucks sometimes alot, but it is all worth fighting for and wrestling with...there is a generation waiting to see a gospel "lived" before them, demonstrated by acts of mercy and unusual compassion. a story lived out that makes the elite frown, but the lonely and marginlized dance again. i finally shut up for awhile and have found joy in building relationships with people outside my christian bubble...gays, homeless, muslims and most enjoyable, spending time helping children rescued from child sex slavery.... just good stuff that has acted as a catalyst in my journey and theology [yuk that word!]
hey, have you read "a christianity worth believing" by doug pagitt or "soul graffiti" by mark scandrette
I really liked these, though I know you have expressed frustration with emergent types not wanting to land on anything or simply to just be asking questions.... I found these refreshingly inspiring.
look forward to keeping in touch.
peace,
Joel
p.s. being a christian without being part of a "local church" yeah your in man. maybe moreso. although i don't think it is possible to the jesus journey alone...love happens in a community, whether in a bar, a living room or on a road trip... but with people who know all your shit and decide to stay anyway.